How Not to Get Killed or Seriously Injured on a Bicycle



A Play in One Act



Cast of Characters

Naive Bike Rider (Me): A man in his early 50s, eager to get fit, save money, save fuel, and keep the planet green for other people’s children (since he doesn’t have any).

Committed California Car Person (CCCP) 1: An elegant, dignified, clearly successful, clearly conservative gentleman of 6 feet plus in his mid 40’s, with blue eyes and salt-and pepper hair receding just the right amount, and with a smartphone sticking out of his shirt pocket.

CCCP 2: A pretty, thin, healthy-looking young woman with brown hair and green eyes, who always has a smart phone out and is constantly multitasking

CCCP 3: A fat, balding man in his 30’s with grey, flat eyes, polyester slacks pulled up to his chest, a faux leather racing jacket that says “Porsche” with the Porsche Logo prominently displayed on his lapel, and who also holds a smartphone in his left hand, which also sports a conspicuous wedding ring.  He smells vaguely of Diabetes.

The Office Cafeteria
The present.


Scene 1

SETTING: We are in the cafeteria of the &^%$# Corporation, a prosperous, modern looking gathering place for tech heads and others in the company.  The parking lot, visible outside through tinted windows, is a veritable showroom of gleaming Teutonic engineering: Mercedes, Audi, BMW. You know. The Toyotas, Kias, and Hyundais belong to the “staff,” or simply to employees who moved to California in the past 10 years, and never had a house increase in value a million dollars more than they paid for it, and so never bought a car with “home equity.”

AT RISE: Several people are gathered around a table, including SoCalElectricGuy, and several Committed California Car Persons (CCCP’s).

Me:  I got a new electric bike and I’m so excited because it gets me fit, and it’s fun, and it’s green and it goes fast and I am happy and…

CCCP 1: (interrupts me) Wait, why?  You already drive a perfectly good Toyota Prius.  What is wrong with you? (Phone rings, answers it in the middle of the conversation).

CCCP 2: (looking up from iPhone screen) What? Sorry,  I was texting my girlfriends about tonight.  Did you know Beyonce got her hair done?

CCCP 3: (looks up from smart phone) Bikes may be fun and good for exercise and all that,  but they’re way too slow for me.  I like to go 90 in the fast lane. (swivels gaze toward a very fit young blond woman ) Whoa , Susie’s looking fine today.  (Looks back down at phone while fiddling with wedding ring)

Me: (waits for CCCP 1 to hang up) Well, I know I have a perfectly good car, but not driving it to work is pretty much the point.  You see, the roads are too crowded, and the public transportation stinks around here, and joining a health club is too expensive, the air is filthy, and despite the fracking boom, petroleum is a finite resource.  I thought I might help solve a lot of problems with this one choice I’m making.

Dear readers: Do I need to finish this play for you, or can you write the final acts?




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